a bit of me..

Friday: My 7-year old (out of the blue) asked me "do you miss your work?" I am not sure where that question came from. My instant reply to her was 'No'. Of course that lead to many other questions- what exactly does dad do at the bank? why does one need a salary? does he get paid on a daily basis? some were funny and some got me thinking. I was happy for once she was thinking.

I let her question pass by, but when I got a moment in the day to think, I wondered- do I miss it? Maybe yes and no. Yes for the money, the team and the firm that I had built, PR being in my blood and it giving me a direction in life (at a stage after college when I had absolutely no direction). No because it always kept me under stress, even after years I would be nervous while executing any PR campaign for a client, I always lived with a guilt on the personal front (and felt I was missing out on so much with the kid-then just 1) and I didn't need to play 'tag' with my husband anymore (who would get home first, who would attend the PTA, who would be there at that sports day). I weighed both my options and (subjectively) found myself way happier today than I was 4 years ago. So somewhere my answer was right (from my perspective)!! But I also know that this will be short-lived. The girls are going to get busy before I even realise. And I better have my life sorted before it gets late for me. Not sure if I will want to get back to that corporate rat-race ever again, but am sure some mid-path will open up (that will work for me and for the family).

Tuesday: I had an impromptu breakfast date with my daughter. She is on her Easter break and the younger one just got back to school after her 2-week break. The mother in me was in a dilemma a few days ago- should I have them both home together so they can bond? Or should I just let them stick to their holiday schedules and focus on them one at a time. Well I opted for the latter. I decided to give each one some time with 'me', so they both can get the best of me. Of course (the guilty mother in me) will give them those few days of bonding as well!

Anyway at our breakfast date, she asked me some questions- what did you do when you were a child during holidays? Did you go for nice holidays? Did you have play dates with your friends? She was shocked that I had never heard or used the word 'playdate' in my childhood. I told her we only played!

My memory of my childhood are only the annual summer trips I used to make to my grandma's house in Kerala (India) and all the cousins meeting up there. We had simple pleasures like- scrabble sessions, hide n seek, table tennis on the dining table, an ice cream outing (walk without the elders following us). So I realised the simple things I did had a 'bigger' impact on me after all these years.

I wonder what it will be for our kids?Will it be the big exotic holidays we do? Or will it be the simple activities (maybe grocery shopping, trip to the library, weekend outings, time spent with cousins, family walks, movies together). I am hoping it will be both.So I threw back the question at her this time- what is her best memory or favorite thing so far- and promptly she answered ' trips to my grandma's house in Bangalore and visiting my brother'.

I was happy- even though kids today are being brought up differently, somewhere it all merges. We have a constant debate at home and with our friends - are we doing the 'right' things for our kids..we sometimes feel what was 'right' for us may not be 'right' today,etc. But the 'hopelessly optimistic' me feels that somewhere it's not the big things that will shape them. It's the simpler acts that may help them grow and have a bit of 'me' in them.

away from the norm....

These days I am living a bit of a Non-Singapore lifestyle...you probably wonder what does that mean (atleast for the followers who don't live in Singapore!)..well we are a bit (really a bit??) spoilt here. This country gives you the best blend between the East and the West. Maybe Dubai comes a closest second. The lifestyle, work ethics of the West and the convenience of the East. So we are all pampered with house-help around because of which a lot of things are taken for granted (from the adults to the kids).

So these days our so-called house-help is away visiting her home in the Philippines. As a generous employer we decided to give her a month-off (away from the norm of 2-weeks). So what has that done to us? Well good and bad! Bad because I am pretty much home-bound (with my 2-year old). Struggled and juggled with my gym and run routine for a week and then gave up and consoled myself that even I am on a month's break from my routine! Poor kids have to eat food cooked by me (am not the 'greatest' cook and not one of those food indulging mums).. But I see a big 'good' in that.

Of course I often think of how my mum managed me and my sis (with almost no help) all her life, of my many friends who live in the west and live this life everyday. But let me admit (in full honesty), mine being for just a month was a bit relieving!

And now the goods- maybe this has opened up a new thinking (unconsciously) in our home. The kids have started reacting more responsibly and sensitively. Atleast for a month, they may live the life I lived all my life- lay the tables, keep out their uniforms, make their beds. Things that we did all through our childhood, but is a rare with kids these days.

The family is spending more time doing household chores together and probably bonding more because of that. We have started doing things for each other- if ones needs water or the other needs a towel, they actually move their butt and do it for each other now! Even the 2-year old wants to be involved. She has taken upon herself the task to keep the uniforms out every night! And of course, they are getting used to the 'averagely' cooked food as well! Keep telling my 7-year old, am training her for that 'first' overnight camp she will go to soon! And you surely can't ignore the support of friends who ensure that you have a constant supply of food or land up doing your grocery shopping- I am not sure if this is a norm in the west! I think this is a typical 'east' trait..even my temp help was shocked to see the inflow of food and friends who keep landing up to help or check on me!!

I know this going to be short-lived and soon we will be back to our routine and old lifestyle. But am happy to see that even if it's for a month, the whole family has re-aligned itself and moved away from the norm. Somewhere such moments ground us and the kids begin to value each member's role in the house!

India's daughter! really??

This blog topic has been circling in my head for the last few days but I never managed to get those 30 minutes to put my thoughts together...I surely can't focus and write when one kid is watching 'Sam & Cat' and the other is engrossed into her 'Peppa Pig'.  Of course had you quizzed me about Peppa Pig and his family, am sure I would have excelled!

I think we have been reading enough and more about the documentary 'India's Daughter' filmed by Leslee Udwin and released by BBC (I know am late- the film has been banned on the internet by the Government of India and so I can't upload the link here). Though most of us managed to see it within 48 hours of its release (it just proved the strength of online media today). The publicity it has generated is probably more than what was covered in the media when the incident really happened.

During my PR days, the social/online media was not really around and now living out of India, I highly rely on online media for my news articles and updates. So I have been reading tonnes of articles/blogs that have come out post this film was leaked out. Some of them have been disturbing and some re-assuring.

Watching that film gave me goosebumps. I never managed to see it in one shot. I needed the breaks to digest what was being said. Did they really mean that? It's not an India I relate to. On one hand, we talk of India being the fastest growing economy etc etc and then a film like this comes by and shows the country in poor light. Which is the true picture? Is it the India I look upto or is it what was shown in that movie!

Having lived that way in Delhi (the same city where the incident took place) most of my life  and having been in a 'likewise' situation several times, this could have happened to anyone. When I think back about my college days, I always thank my stars for scraping it through. Traveling in those public buses, getting back from friend's homes in an auto late evenings, I probably was just lucky. Of course with no mobile phones to even track you, I wonder how our parents survived each day! Even today I constantly live in a fear, that something may just go wrong. It's tough for me to let my kids out of sight (even when they are just playing down).

My 7-year old walks back by herself from her bus stop every afternoon. Of course the (hyper) mother in me, waits for her at the balcony. If she is a bit late, I start getting impatient. Letting her do it required a lot of self-convincing. And mind you I live in one of the 'safest cities' in the world. Had I been in India, I am not sure when I could have let loose. Every time she travels to India for her breaks, she has to be told that it is not 'safe' to operate in the same mode there. Soon, she will have to be confronted with the harsh realities of life that she may not be exposed to here.

Am not sure which life (the one I lived or the one my daughter is living) is better! I think my situations taught me a lot and in her case I may have to do a lot of the teaching! 

This morning I chanced upon this news piece:

http://www.channelnewsasia.com/news/singapore/train-reliability-has/1708456.html

(only the last para is relevant)

WHAT ABOUT WOMEN-ONLY CABINS (in the MRT's)

In response to suggestions by Members of Parliament Lily Neo and Low Thia Kiang to deploy women-only train cabins, Mr Lui said this idea had been raised and looked at carefully before.

"There are practical difficulties and challenges, such as how to and how strictly to enforce the rule, and also how this could sub-optimise the capacity of our trains," the minister said.

"From the experience of other systems, the women-only cabins are often utilised less, meaning that more commuters will have to crowd into the other cabins or wait for the next train."

REALLY? In Singapore? And I wondered for what reason!!!!

making friends down the way....

While doing my gym work-out with my trainer (less)-cum- friend (more), we chanced upon an interesting topic. Yes we talk a lot while working out. She has to always remind me to save my breath for my exercises. And I look at it as a perfect one-hour to catch up with her! Anyway to get back to what we talked about..

Making friends is always one of the biggest challenges after a certain stage in life. Especially if you have made a move into a new city, new condo making that fresh start is always tough. Of course if you have kids, that's the easiest route. Their bus stop, their playground gets the ball rolling.

When I moved to Singapore 6 years ago, I knew very few people. Though am not a social butterfly, I do treasure my close 3-4 friends who I always hope to find and keep for life! As expected, the bus stop and playgrounds were my starting points. Having come from Dubai (where life is pretty similar to Singapore), I was kind of used to people being busy and  meeting only when 'fixed'.

And then my routine to the gym started almost two years ago. That was one place I met people from different backgrounds (mothers with elder kids, single mothers, young mothers, women with no kids, working mum's). Though we all come in with a common agenda to work-out, everyone's life once outside that gym was way different.

At one end if I am worried about juggling my day so that I am back in time before my younger one gets home, someone else is worried about what she would be wearing to a lunch she had later in the day, another is worried on how to entertain her visiting in-laws, someone is busy sorting out her son's future and attending several counseling sessions (with his university coming up soon). While chatting with them, I often wished I could swap some of my 'to do lists' with theirs- atleast for day!!

This was a perfect meeting ground for all of us to actually 'forget' our worries for that one hour and chat about anything random! Over time, I have started to treasure and enjoy that one hour I spend in the gym. Most of these friends are not really my 'best' pals, yet I look forward to meeting them.

Same is the case for my running club friends and my yoga gang (though I meet them a bit lesser)! Through the running club, I have seen some very 'inspirational' running journeys of friends which has in turn motivated me to get better. Whether its a fellow runner running her 1st 2km or someone who has just finished her first half-marathon, each one has a story!

We try and run in a group, so we can while chatting get to a better pace! And it has worked wonders for some of us. We have been able to escalate to longer distances and better pace!! Of course  what we chat on a weekend morning at 6:30am, you may not want to know. Most of us get there after a late night the previous night (family and kids cannot be ignored just because you have a 'running club' run the next morning!!!) , and in our half groggy state actually land up (sometimes) running our best!

All these melting points initially started off as fitness points for me but today is an integral part of my life. Making friends there made my fitness and weight loss journey far more enjoyable and less stressful! I feel for stay-at-home mum's such groups are critical to make sure we talk and think a bit beyond our home and kids! Am sure we can take that hour's break everyday!!!

a trip home but with a twist this time..

Trips to india over the last few years have been very predictable (atleast for me). Visits to parents, meet up old friends (which is also is a bit rare for me now), shopping (routine visits to my favorite hot spots). But strangely the trip I made this month was exhilarating. My brief 4-day visit to Bangalore and the 4 day retreat to Kerala showed me 2 different spectrum's of India. An India that has leaped ahead many years from where I had left it more than a decade ago... 

Bangalore: Apart from my usual stops at my haunts (MTR for breakfast, Fab India, Anokhi, etc etc), I had to meet a new set of people- the team of Polka Cafe. I have been working closely with this 'young' team for the last 3 months now, writing for them out of Singapore. I haven't had a 'work-related' meeting in India for more than 7-8 years now. So honestly I was a bit nervous and excited to meet these guys, who had become more of email buddies by now. A 20-minute meeting lasted more than an hour. An eye-opener for me in a lot of ways. How things have moved (ahead) in the workspace, the style of working (especially the world I belonged to-PR and media), the robust explosion of the online space, the emergence of the 'blogging' medium with some of the writers being very young and very very good! When I walked out of that room, I felt like that 'overseas Indian', who I probably used to laugh at many years ago for not being up to date on India. 

Kerala- The 3-days spent at the backwaters (Alleppey), took me to another spectrum of India. It felt like our stay was a perfect package of serenity, calmness, quietness and warmth. For the kids, they learnt to 'just be happy'. Be it playing table tennis, a few jumps on the trampoline, an elephant ride, evenings spent by the swing in the resort, each moment and activity were ways of bonding as a family. 

The full-day spent on the house-boat was the perfect time to sit back, reflect and not stress. For my 7-year old, to see the village life in the backwaters (as you ride on the house boat), was an eye opener. Open schools, kids playing by the riverside, women cooking, each of these threw up questions. At every stage, we would ask her to compare it to her situation! Of course she never had answers most of the times! At the end of the trip, I was pretty sure that they are not wrong in calling Kerala 'God's own country'. 

A close friend often uses the term 'controlled exposure', and this trip was truly that for the kids and in some ways for me too (work wise). It was more about seeing the 'real India', the hardships and the warmth it offers. The waiters knowing who drinks filter coffee, and who prefers masala chai every morning, the chef taking my daughter for a tour of their kitchen, the house-boat staff ensuring the girls had their favorite 'dal chawal' on board, each act made us feel special!

I saw a 'fast India' and a 'slow paced' one together on this trip. I am back with some lessons learnt and hopefully with a few answers for my 7-year old!

and to another new (lunar) year start ...

5:45am!!

Wednesday (Feb 11)- An early morning run after any (big) run feels like a fresh start for me! My 12km run over the weekend was probably my most challenging run! But like always, it was mostly a 'mind game' and that got me to the finish line. Everyone's question to me was- so 21km next?    12 km to 21km seems like a big jump but to think of it, last year at this time I ran my 1st 5km! So it just maybe a question of me making up my mind and doing it. Inshallah!

Saturday (Feb 7)- Come to think of it, I almost didn't run this 12km run. Last week seemed like the most 'out of control' week for me. Commitments at my elder one's school, the younger one home (being sick)- which obviously made my training close to impossible. But on the morning of the run, suddenly there was a calmness! It felt like even God wanted me to get to that run! And it was all suddenly under control. Like I was always meant to be there! 

Tuesday (Feb 10)- I had an interesting conversation with a friend yesterday. We talked about how tough it is to make new friends after an age! And it's very rare that it fits well for all (husbands, wives, kids..). Having lived away from home for close to 17-18 years now, my friends (the very few I made wherever I stayed), have become family for me over the years (and not all of them are my spouses' friends too)! I have time and again depended on them for 'emotional support' and never looked at them as just friends! I can also count them on my fingers after all these years!!! Even today, I have my  'whatsapp' groups with my close friends (school, college, ex-work, Dubai and now Singapore). Even in Singapore, I made friends at different junctures- playground, bus stop gang, gym gang, yoga gang, my inner gang who are my 'punching bags' for anything, kids school mum's. Though the list is big, the number of friends are handful! My mum always complained (when I was a kid and sometimes even now), that I would go to any length for my friends (sometimes more than I do for family)!! But that's me!!

Wednesday (Feb 11)- And as I pack my bags for my CNY (Chinese New Year) break, there is a strange excitement. It's a short break back home, but with a purpose. This trip is dedicated to the grandparents and the grand kids. The kids will witness the 50th anniversary of their paternal grand parents. Even for me this is a first! It took me a while to explain to my 7-year old that this is 'damn special'. Of course the 2-year old was attentively listening and adding her bit too!

And on that note, Gong Xi Fa Cai and hopefully a good start to another lunar year!

a need vs want!

Friday: The other day after our game of badminton, my friend and I had an interesting chat. It started with how different the upbringing of kids these days is vis a vis our days. It was more to do with how unfair we are sometimes in our approach. At one end, we are trying to meet all our wants and on the other hand, we expect our kids to understand and value the basic needs of life! Confused??? 

As kids most of us (atleast me and most of my friends) never really got to go on 'big' holidays (as we just couldn't afford it) and so by default our upbringing was a bit grounded. We never had to be told the 'value' of things- from an expensive pencil box or maybe an elite education. 

But today as adults we are probably making up for that loss. We crave and look forward to our exotic holidays, the best for ourselves in lives, the best education for our kids. But on the other hand we expect the kids to be balanced and grounded. The optimist in me is ever hopeful! Will my kids able to differentiate between the 'wants and needs'? Or they don't really need to? Only time will tell what's right for this generation.

Bringing up my kids here in Singapore, also at times makes me feel that they are away from a lot of harsh realities. They hardly get to see the economic disparity which could be a good starting point. Do they get it when I say "I can't afford this".

I feel the closest they see to a struggle is the life of their 'helper' (their 'aunty')- that's the common word we use for our in house maids. Their lives back in their countries is close to miserable and forget education, even food is sometimes a luxury. Every penny they earn goes into improving the lives of their entire family (including siblings).  

I have always (tried to) use this as a reference point with the kids. These helpers live with u and they become a part of your family as years go by. You hope that by the time their term ends, just as they have made a difference to your life, you too have value added to their life in some way! Will the kids be able to see this? Not sure!

The Sunday Life- 1/2/2015

Sunday: A moving article in The Sunday Life. A topic very dear to me and probably most of us away from our parents. Thankfully the article was very positive, and profiled grandparents who have actually moved on with times, got tech savvy (for the sake of staying in touch with their grand kids), have moved temporarily beyond their comfort zone and lived with their kids overseas (and made their life easier!). A lot of times we worry that parents may not have a life if we uproute them, but this article beautifully captures the feelings of aged  parents who have said " They were thrilled to be a part of their grand kids' life, and enjoy the last few years of their lives by just being there". Hhhmm, easier said than done? These are very big steps for them, but like they say, both parties have to take the baby steps or else life will stagnate! The support system's got to work both ways!

And on that note, I shall start another week, but this time (mentally) preparing myself for my 'longest' run (Zoo Run 2015- a 12km on Saturday). Same time last year, I ran my first 5km! Inshallah, even this day shall pass...