happiness and fears

3am- My phone flashes a light. I have just received a 'whatsapp' message from a dear cousin who lives in the US. Five years ago, whatsapp wasn't a part of my life but today, a lot of my relationships/ friendships have survived/ sustained because of the whatsapp groups I am part of.

I have family groups, even with in that I have groups with immediate family, cousins and then of course the friends circle. This varies from dear college buddies, to friends I have made over the years. These groups today make sure that I stay connected and probably have also made me closer to some of my friends and cousins over the years. 

We exchange pictures, reviews of movies, any family updates. I may not have seen that person for years but the communication has kept the relationship alive. We are together yet we are not. Even when I go to watch a movie alone, I feel am not alone..one of the groups would have posted a review of that movie or sent out a message asking about the same!

Friends I have made over the years who are now far away don't seem so far. We can safely say that emails took over snail mails and now whatsapp has taken over even phone calls. Birthday and anniversary greetings now come via whatsapp messages, real time exchange of videos and photos make sure we don't even need to post pictures on any social media platform. Even grandparents have got hooked onto it and wait for updates on it. 

I still recollect the first time I heard about whatsapp (five years ago??), and mentioning it to a friend that "God another software to complicate our lives". But alas, it has redefined a lot of friendships and relationships in my case. Even my husband and I communicate during the day via whatsapp! So what if we don't talk we atleast chat!!

Wonder what's going to come next after whatsapp. Hope we don't stop communicating with each other...

December- After years we stayed back in Singapore this year in December. But we probably had a more hectic holiday than any vacation we have undertaken. Visit by grandparents and dear friends made this one of the best reunions we have had in years. The kids were waiting for each other, the adults had their own agenda and boy, what a reunion it was! From the giggles, to the silly jokes, to the outings, the late night chats, kids bonding over movies and popcorn, this is surely what priceless memories are made of.

 
As a child I have fond memories of spending my holidays in my grandmum's home or spending my holidays watching back to back movies late into the night with dear friends and staying over with them.

Of course as part of the holidays we undertook several outings but one of them left a mark on me- A grand course at the Forest Adventure! The younger kids did the kids course and the older ones did the grand course...As I embarked on the adventure, I had a lot of questions in my mind- why the hell do I need to do this at this stage of my life, will I ever get over my fears and complete the course, and of course I needed a lot of deep breadths as I went on. Be it the zipline (click the video), the tarzan swing or the tight rope walks, each one seemed tougher and my fears swayed as I went on. 

Kids course by the younger ones

But yet I tried hard not to give up. Of course having two 11-year old's doing it with such ease was a bit consoling.Strangely they had to hand hold us more than vice versa. This adventure seemed nothing less than being a part of the popular TV show- Fear Factor (for me). It was all about getting over my mental fears rather than physical. And by the end of it I think I surely did get over a few. It also just proved that there is 'no age' to get over any of your fears. For me it's always been about heights and speed and a roller coaster ride and this adventure were surely baby steps towards getting over some of my worst fears.

So what's next? Maybe a kayaking course (with no training in swimming??)...another fear I have had and hopefully I will scrape through that as well....a high point to start 2016 and hopefully will end it on a high as well!

running short.....

I have been a regular short-distance runner (mind you only outdoor) for about two years now. Like my age I'd like to believe that even my running has evolved and it has meant different things to me at different stages.

perfect weather @ 8am..

When I started two years ago, it was for a purpose. I was told it will help me to loose weight faster. From my first 1km jog, I pushed myself along and got to my 1st 5km. That journey had it's challenges too- is my pace consistent, do I need someone to run along with, should I monitor my runs? 

Finding the answers to all these was never easy, but with my 'sole objective' of shedding those kilos, none of these took precedence.Time passed and within a year I ran a few 10km's (even a 12km run). By this period even my weight loss campaign had succeeded. I had shed close to 13 kilos and it was the fittest I had ever been.

What next? Now the goal was achieved. Did I have a new goal for myself? Did I have a

Pit-stop for a selfie

half-marathon on sight? Nope. But yet I enjoyed my runs. I craved for them mid-week and couldn't wait for the weekend. Did I need a partner? Nope was the answer. I often crossed paths with my husband (during an early morning hour), but we never joined each other.

Is it my 'me time'? No- not really- yes am alone when I run but I have a purpose in mind (to run my set distance). Someone once very nicely told me, "Me time has to be without a purpose. It means total unwinding time." For me the runs are more about 'thinking time'. They help me to sort out my day, my articles, my ideas, my chores and give me the time to listen to my favourite playlist.

There are 'lazy' days (like today), when I just couldn't make it for my 5:30am run. I often itch till the kids are packed off to school, and I find my routes to run (sometimes it's on the road after school drop-offs), sometimes it's at a trail I get to.

So what's with my run these days? Is it a new route? Is it about running more? Or is it to run faster? For me it has a different goal each time. If it's about a new elevation, the next week it maybe a new route, maybe a different time of the day and sometimes it maybe just about running more...

But happily, now it's a part of me, something I wait to do. It's no longer about wanting to run a half-marathon- it's just about me enjoying my run.....

roasted chicken and Xmas.....

Wednesday- We have lately been trying to 'solve' issues at school for our 3-year old. Yes- 3 years old! She surely has a mind of her own and thinks a bit too much. From social to emotional issues, it's all stuck in her head. The 'thinking chair' placed in her class is her biggest enemy. She feels it would be the biggest crime if she got there even by chance. Of course everyone from her teachers to us at home are only consoling her, cajoling her and hoping this is a phase that shall also pass. And for me it has been about understanding and accepting that what worked for my elder one may not work for the younger.

Her current phase got me thinking. With my elder one the problems at this age were different. It was more her choice of food at school, her shyness to open up and make friends, her obsession towards tidiness and perfection. And then you realise, how different each person in a family is. Your kids so strangely have a bit of you in them. 

If one likes cheese, the other ketchup, if one likes the dosa crisp the other likes it soft, if one keeps her cupboard clean the other can't be bothered. If one likes her chicken 'roasted', the other just wants 'chicken'- period. If one likes sporty stuff, the other likes to sing and dance at the drop of a hat! I always recollect what someone once told me, "God does an excellent quality control job in every home." And how true it is.

Friday- This Friday evening was spent taking off our Diwali lights and transferring them to the Xmas tree. For the kids it's another festival coming up. But the elder one has now started asking questions about religion, places of worship, what am I, etc. I think having been brought up in a family that made me believe always that 'it's all in the mind' is making it easier for me to answer her questions. 

She sees Biryani being cooked every Eid, Diwali being festive time and the Xmas tree up every December since she was born. The tree in our home is actually older than her! There are questions now asked, "Is it okay if I pray at a mosque or a church and not always at a temple?" My answer, "It's fine even if you sit just on your bed and pray." 

I wonder if I asked such questions in my childhood or did I blindly accept what was told. Of course I recollect celebrating Eid at friend's homes, tying rakhi to family friends, celebrating Diwali and Onam with equal excitement. Being a witness to the riots that Delhi faced in 1984 and sheltering 'close friends' in the confines of our home. Each of that left a mark on me and made me more accepting of people and their thinking as I grew up.

This may be a small way in which I can teach them to accept people and their beliefs just the way they are....

The start-up way of life....

Sunday, 6:00pm- As I was running (for a change in the evening this weekend), I started thinking of what to write about next. Then I wondered what's kept me so busy the last few weeks. Was it the festive season, was it my new work, was it just me mentally elsewhere. It was a combination of all. The headline of this feature came first to my mind and then the text started flowing..It's strange. The norm is to usually write the feature and then pull out your headline. But often in my case, I have my headline clearly in front of me and then my thoughts start flowing..

Tuesday- I got the biggest surprise after ages. An old and very dear ex-colleague-now a good friend called me out of the blue from Canada. These days receiving 'out of the blue' calls is a bit rare (atleast for me). We were speaking to each other after almost 8 years. She had witnessed one of my start-up's during take off and was a rock solid support. Of course after the hour-long chat (and it's very rare these days that you connect with friends after all these years), she took me back to the few of the risks I had taken and moved on those paths without looking back.

Every start-up I have been a part of (in the last 15 years) left me with something extra I could imbibe into my personal life. My ability to take on risks, patience, taste success, perseverance, work under any environment (from a bench and chair, moving onto a cabin), and the biggest lesson of 'build your own reputation'. All the organisations I was a part of, are excelling. Some of the teams I formed are still there and I often joke with friends, that I sadly never got to enjoy any of the start-ups once the struggle period was over.

Today as I embark on a new journey, I can see some of my die-hard habits come to life. I am back to another chair and bench and another start-up...

Calling those old colleagues, clients or friends even after all these years doesn't deter me.I knocked the door of one of my oldest pals whose is now an entrepreneur and runs her own design shop- DeSha Creative. She maybe miles away from me, yet we didn't need a single telecon for her to execute what I had in mind. She reminded me that I was her 1st client 15 years ago even before she had taken on designing professionally!

Yes like any start-up there is excitement. But strangely I am not in a hurry and I don't fear failure.  And no the name is not inspired by the Bollywood flick 'ROCK ON'....

it's about ME....

Thursday-3:45pm- I am sitting at the waiting areas of one of the local government offices to get some approval and I grab out 15 minutes to start writing this piece... Yes that's what school holidays can do to your routine, if you are a work from home mum or just a stay at home mum... Today this seems like the quietest place for me....

But am I complaining? Inspite of all the confusion, I enjoy my time with the kids- the late night movies we watch together, the walks we take post dinner, carom and scrabble sessions, and a complete lack of routine....I guess our lives are so busy now, any kind of non- structure is welcome and I start to crave for it every 2 months....

Friday 8:30am- I continue my writing on a bus ride. I recollect a feature I worked on recently... It was to talk to a few 'super busy women' about what they do to pull out some 'ME' time... The answers were as interesting as the people profiled (from business owners to doctors to professionals)....

And then it got me thinking... what if someone asked me this question- firstly do I feel super busy? And do I earn for 'ME Time' or do I have a lot of it already?

Being a mum at home, yes I do get my little pockets of time when I am alone, but I am forever occupied thinking about the home, kids, menu, grocery, presence at school activities, field trips, home-work time, and of course I manage to squeeze out those few hours I spend on my desk doing my writing work... 

So would it be my time spent at my desk writing, the time I spent just by myself during the day at home, my badminton I play, my runs I go for alone, my random trips for a lunch/ coffee with myself, a movie on my own....Yes and No...

Yes I crave for a few of the above and make sure I do it frequently but NO there are weeks when I don't manage to do some of the above... and yet I sail through my days...

 

a typical morning in my balcony..

I think for me it's the small pockets in a single day that I take out for myself- my early morning coffee with the newspaper in my balcony, my time spent reading an interesting article or a blog during the day (again in my balcony), a meet up with my close buddies every evening for a quick chit chat where we talk a little beyond home and kids, my (alone) TV time every night.... The day I miss any of these, I feel something was amiss from my day....

A friend rightly put it- a ME time activity needs to be something you do just for yourself and it can't be purpose driven and for me each of the above calm me down and make me happy.

As I re-wind and think, during my work days setting aside some 'ME Time' was part of my schedule (be it some weekend activity, or a few hours I pulled out from work), but doing it now seems more challenging. I have so many hours of the day when I am alone, yet planning anything for myself needs a 'conceited effort'...wonder why...For now am happy with my small pleasures I pull out during the day...they keep me going....

small targets..

As I started my run this morning, my target was to climb a certain bridge that I had never climbed before. I have always conveniently turned back as soon as I approached the bridge. Since the last few weekends, I have been setting small targets for myself- it may be running a 1km more than my last run, running my last km at my fastest possible pace, testing myself at elevations- guess these are small thrills of life and they keep me going!

I came across a blog written by an old friend (an ex-colleague who I used to chase for many stories during my PR days)- Lessons from Aikido and how inadequacy is all in the head. Thoroughly enjoyed reading it, maybe because I related to it.

This month has been special for me..I have after 4 years of hiatus got back to some sort of working (well if you think that looking after a home and your kids is not referred to as work). Like my friend said, going back to anything full-time and demanding was a bit unnerving, having left it few years ago. A few months back when some assignments started pouring in, the only aspect I looked at was, if it gave me the flexibility of hours and workplace. It just proved how things had changed in the last few years towards my approach to work....

When I started work on my new assignment it came with nervousness. The work wasn't even rocket science. Four years ago, this was my bread and butter. I had a lot of questions in my head till I got down to the actual- Will I have the same flare? Can I actually draft a press release with the same ease even now? Can I pull out a white paper on 'cloud computing' in a day? Why would a client want to work with a freelancer like me?

The work rolled in and sitting by myself at the desk at home (which of course is co-shared with my 8-year old), it all seemed strange. There were moments of loneliness and I wished I was in an office with people around me. With the few free hours I had in a day, guess I had to stop thinking and just get going with the job. The kids could see a change (the 8-year old). She saw tonnes of papers and little notes that I was scribbling around on her desk. She would often ask me, "did you manage to write that article? Can I read it?" Without fail she reads them all, but am sure it zips past her head.

In my free time I even compare my work to my role as a mother...I feel the work part is so much easier- if I make a mistake, there is always someone to correct it...but as a mother, I hope that I am doing the 'right' things for my girls and yet there is no one to correct me or assure me that I am on the right path!

Recently a friend asked me,"How easy is it to go back to work after a long break?" My answer to her was, "It depends on how much of it you want back." Atleast that was the choice I had to make... 

So where will my work take me? Do I have a clear path? Do I know how much I want to do? I don't know the answers yet to any of these. As work pours in, I squeeze out the hours. I still try hard not to be at my desk when the kids are around. I am not ready to let go of all the random things I absolutely love doing with them....only time will tell..


For now I am happy setting 'small' targets for myself every weekend, squeezing in a game of badminton some mornings, going for my run and gym routines at 5am and most importantly, being right there when the girls get back from school!

...and yes I managed to draft that press release with ease and climb the bridge I had my eyes on. And finding random notes like these (as in the picture) on my desk, brings a smile to my face!

finding the right attitude...

It's nice when your day begins with an article in the paper that you can relate to. Of course with my early morning coffee in hand, this article- Taming the kiasu mother in me got me hooked on. I related to every bit of it and placed myself in the writer's shoe.

Am I really a 'kiasu' mother? Friends (who don't live in Singapore), the term 'kiasu' means- afraid of losing out, afraid of not getting the best, etc. I think we all (I mean mother's in particular), have a bit of the 'kiasu nature' in us. We always want the best for our kids, want them to succeed, be ahead in class, worry if they are not part of some group activity. I wonder if that's the right approach. Did our parents sweat so much about us? Or did we just go with the flow?

Lately I have had a similar situation at home and that's probably why this article got me hooked on.My 8-year old was a bit low the whole of last week. She was put into some challenging situations in her language class. She being the perfectionist, anything mediocre normally disturbs her. For the first time she felt, she was not excelling and was lagging behind compared to the rest of the class. Her work sheets were incomplete and she was nervous to go to her language class.

As a mother, I was concerned about her mood and her emotions. But least worried about how she fared at class. Maybe that had to do with my childhood- I never excelled in class and was never made to feel inferior because of that at home.

As a mum, the easiest thing for me to do was to front-end this on behalf of her. But then I wondered- for how long am I going to do this? A day needs to come when she needs to raise her hand in class and tell the teacher "I don't get this". For her to realise, that not being the best doesn't mean you fail. That even mediocre people can be successful. I would rather have her learn a lesson of being honest to yourself, be compassionate rather than get the best of grades. Surely this is easier said than done as we tend to measure our kids success with the grades they get rather than the intangible qualities we can equip them with.

This seemed to be more of a lesson for her to accept mediocrity and not always live in the glory of success. For her to understand that it was about giving anything 'her best' and not really being 'the best among all'. This needed a lot of patience from us. Along the way I may see her fail but somewhere I may be teaching her to accept failure. It was more about teaching her to have the right attitude rather than the right aptitude...

And then one day, she finally front-ended the problem herself- well firstly she doesn't call it a 'problem' anymore. She looks at it more like a challenge today and is finding her own ways to deal with it. She has accepted her shortcomings and wants to work on them. And proudly tells me, " Now I don't hesitate to raise my hand in class and say I don't understand."