it's about ME....

Thursday-3:45pm- I am sitting at the waiting areas of one of the local government offices to get some approval and I grab out 15 minutes to start writing this piece... Yes that's what school holidays can do to your routine, if you are a work from home mum or just a stay at home mum... Today this seems like the quietest place for me....

But am I complaining? Inspite of all the confusion, I enjoy my time with the kids- the late night movies we watch together, the walks we take post dinner, carom and scrabble sessions, and a complete lack of routine....I guess our lives are so busy now, any kind of non- structure is welcome and I start to crave for it every 2 months....

Friday 8:30am- I continue my writing on a bus ride. I recollect a feature I worked on recently... It was to talk to a few 'super busy women' about what they do to pull out some 'ME' time... The answers were as interesting as the people profiled (from business owners to doctors to professionals)....

And then it got me thinking... what if someone asked me this question- firstly do I feel super busy? And do I earn for 'ME Time' or do I have a lot of it already?

Being a mum at home, yes I do get my little pockets of time when I am alone, but I am forever occupied thinking about the home, kids, menu, grocery, presence at school activities, field trips, home-work time, and of course I manage to squeeze out those few hours I spend on my desk doing my writing work... 

So would it be my time spent at my desk writing, the time I spent just by myself during the day at home, my badminton I play, my runs I go for alone, my random trips for a lunch/ coffee with myself, a movie on my own....Yes and No...

Yes I crave for a few of the above and make sure I do it frequently but NO there are weeks when I don't manage to do some of the above... and yet I sail through my days...

 

a typical morning in my balcony..

I think for me it's the small pockets in a single day that I take out for myself- my early morning coffee with the newspaper in my balcony, my time spent reading an interesting article or a blog during the day (again in my balcony), a meet up with my close buddies every evening for a quick chit chat where we talk a little beyond home and kids, my (alone) TV time every night.... The day I miss any of these, I feel something was amiss from my day....

A friend rightly put it- a ME time activity needs to be something you do just for yourself and it can't be purpose driven and for me each of the above calm me down and make me happy.

As I re-wind and think, during my work days setting aside some 'ME Time' was part of my schedule (be it some weekend activity, or a few hours I pulled out from work), but doing it now seems more challenging. I have so many hours of the day when I am alone, yet planning anything for myself needs a 'conceited effort'...wonder why...For now am happy with my small pleasures I pull out during the day...they keep me going....

small targets..

As I started my run this morning, my target was to climb a certain bridge that I had never climbed before. I have always conveniently turned back as soon as I approached the bridge. Since the last few weekends, I have been setting small targets for myself- it may be running a 1km more than my last run, running my last km at my fastest possible pace, testing myself at elevations- guess these are small thrills of life and they keep me going!

I came across a blog written by an old friend (an ex-colleague who I used to chase for many stories during my PR days)- Lessons from Aikido and how inadequacy is all in the head. Thoroughly enjoyed reading it, maybe because I related to it.

This month has been special for me..I have after 4 years of hiatus got back to some sort of working (well if you think that looking after a home and your kids is not referred to as work). Like my friend said, going back to anything full-time and demanding was a bit unnerving, having left it few years ago. A few months back when some assignments started pouring in, the only aspect I looked at was, if it gave me the flexibility of hours and workplace. It just proved how things had changed in the last few years towards my approach to work....

When I started work on my new assignment it came with nervousness. The work wasn't even rocket science. Four years ago, this was my bread and butter. I had a lot of questions in my head till I got down to the actual- Will I have the same flare? Can I actually draft a press release with the same ease even now? Can I pull out a white paper on 'cloud computing' in a day? Why would a client want to work with a freelancer like me?

The work rolled in and sitting by myself at the desk at home (which of course is co-shared with my 8-year old), it all seemed strange. There were moments of loneliness and I wished I was in an office with people around me. With the few free hours I had in a day, guess I had to stop thinking and just get going with the job. The kids could see a change (the 8-year old). She saw tonnes of papers and little notes that I was scribbling around on her desk. She would often ask me, "did you manage to write that article? Can I read it?" Without fail she reads them all, but am sure it zips past her head.

In my free time I even compare my work to my role as a mother...I feel the work part is so much easier- if I make a mistake, there is always someone to correct it...but as a mother, I hope that I am doing the 'right' things for my girls and yet there is no one to correct me or assure me that I am on the right path!

Recently a friend asked me,"How easy is it to go back to work after a long break?" My answer to her was, "It depends on how much of it you want back." Atleast that was the choice I had to make... 

So where will my work take me? Do I have a clear path? Do I know how much I want to do? I don't know the answers yet to any of these. As work pours in, I squeeze out the hours. I still try hard not to be at my desk when the kids are around. I am not ready to let go of all the random things I absolutely love doing with them....only time will tell..


For now I am happy setting 'small' targets for myself every weekend, squeezing in a game of badminton some mornings, going for my run and gym routines at 5am and most importantly, being right there when the girls get back from school!

...and yes I managed to draft that press release with ease and climb the bridge I had my eyes on. And finding random notes like these (as in the picture) on my desk, brings a smile to my face!

finding the right attitude...

It's nice when your day begins with an article in the paper that you can relate to. Of course with my early morning coffee in hand, this article- Taming the kiasu mother in me got me hooked on. I related to every bit of it and placed myself in the writer's shoe.

Am I really a 'kiasu' mother? Friends (who don't live in Singapore), the term 'kiasu' means- afraid of losing out, afraid of not getting the best, etc. I think we all (I mean mother's in particular), have a bit of the 'kiasu nature' in us. We always want the best for our kids, want them to succeed, be ahead in class, worry if they are not part of some group activity. I wonder if that's the right approach. Did our parents sweat so much about us? Or did we just go with the flow?

Lately I have had a similar situation at home and that's probably why this article got me hooked on.My 8-year old was a bit low the whole of last week. She was put into some challenging situations in her language class. She being the perfectionist, anything mediocre normally disturbs her. For the first time she felt, she was not excelling and was lagging behind compared to the rest of the class. Her work sheets were incomplete and she was nervous to go to her language class.

As a mother, I was concerned about her mood and her emotions. But least worried about how she fared at class. Maybe that had to do with my childhood- I never excelled in class and was never made to feel inferior because of that at home.

As a mum, the easiest thing for me to do was to front-end this on behalf of her. But then I wondered- for how long am I going to do this? A day needs to come when she needs to raise her hand in class and tell the teacher "I don't get this". For her to realise, that not being the best doesn't mean you fail. That even mediocre people can be successful. I would rather have her learn a lesson of being honest to yourself, be compassionate rather than get the best of grades. Surely this is easier said than done as we tend to measure our kids success with the grades they get rather than the intangible qualities we can equip them with.

This seemed to be more of a lesson for her to accept mediocrity and not always live in the glory of success. For her to understand that it was about giving anything 'her best' and not really being 'the best among all'. This needed a lot of patience from us. Along the way I may see her fail but somewhere I may be teaching her to accept failure. It was more about teaching her to have the right attitude rather than the right aptitude...

And then one day, she finally front-ended the problem herself- well firstly she doesn't call it a 'problem' anymore. She looks at it more like a challenge today and is finding her own ways to deal with it. She has accepted her shortcomings and wants to work on them. And proudly tells me, " Now I don't hesitate to raise my hand in class and say I don't understand."

a bit of here and there....

The other day my elder one got asked by her tennis coach, "Where are you from?". There was a 5-second pause from her end, and she answered, " I was born in Dubai, I live in Singapore now and for my summer breaks I go to my grandparents in India." There was no clear 'one' answer from her end.

In another incident, one of her dear friends from school was asked the same question. Though her passport is Australian, she prides on being Indian. It's common to see kids today with 'dual identities'. Born somewhere, spending their lives elsewhere...

When I was a kid, I spent most of my childhood moving places every 2-3 years (because of my dad's nature of work) within India. For a long time (and sometimes even now), I never had a clear cut answer when asked of my origin. Having spent half my life in Delhi (India's capital) and the other half in Bangalore (India's 'pub' capital- can never get myself to say Bengaluru), my answer was always a bit hazy. Though rightfully, I don't belong to either of these places! 

So that leaves me thinking- how do you decide where you belong to? Is it the place my family originates from or is it where I spent most of my life or is it where I have spent most of my married life? Strangely for me, my parents have never lived where I originate from, so it's even more confusing. 

For me home was where my parents lived! It changed every two years when I was growing up. It tossed between cities like Chennai, Hyderabad, Coimbatore and finally now Bangalore (where they settled after retirement)...

Because of my 'North Indian' (if I may say so) influences, I probably celebrate Diwali and Rakhi more than Onam and Vishu. I speak more fluent Hindi than Malayalam (though I am ever thankful to my days in Dubai for helping me brush up my Malayalam skills). 

So I often wonder, what's it going to be like for my kids? Will the Hindi get substituted by Chinese? Thankfully our affection towards Bollywood helps in keeping the 'Hindi' alive in the house. Malayalam- well we try and then we give up! But every time there is an argument in the house (between the dad and the girls), you can hear the girls screaming, "I am half Malayali". My younger one told my husband one day, "Its really sad you don't have a 'Menon' in your name. It just sounds cooler!"

Ironically today is Onam (a major festival for Keralites, the state I belong to in India). We wished each other 'Happy Onam' this morning and the husband treated me to an awesome Lebanese 'Onam' lunch.. Who says I am confused??

new-age back home!!!

I came across two blog pieces this week, that got me thinking in different directions..both related to new-age India! Both captured India's current mood but in very different ways.. An India I am far away from but yet yearn every year to go back to get my fill!!!

Bangalore, July 2015- As a typical (ex)-PR person, I spend a lot of time reading the newspaper (even today!).. I can't recollect when I read my last book but I still manage to spend over an hour daily reading the newspaper! It's a die-hard habit that I just can't let go....

One of my biggest agenda's when I travel back home, is to read up on the dailies everyday. Of course the choice now is way more. Every household has an average of 2-3 newspapers daily and strangely they all have different news! That's India!! The buzz and the action is way too much..Yes I long for it at times and I run away from it after I get my fill..

The buzz has only been changing over the years. If it was about capital markets and brick and mortar businesses a few years ago, today it's all about start-ups! And the sheer number of them around you, make it all seem so easy..

An interesting read I came across recently on the NDTV Blog- I'm 40 in a start-up world. What to do! Brilliantly captures India's mood today. You don't need to be a 'rich father's son' to start your own venture. You just need to be young and smart. A friend rightly said, " Silicon Valley is full of this". But for me (who has never been to Silicon Valley), this mood is exciting. It's hot today in India to run your own venture! It's fine to show off a plush home, fancy car, LV bag, an art collection...And probably my visits to the Silicon Valley of India every year make me sit up and notice- an ever changing India! Will I fit in somewhere there? Or am I still living in an India I left more than a decade ago? Only time will tell.....

Singapore, August 2015- Like every crazy fan of India's glamour world, I also followed the launch (online) of Twinkle Khanna's first book- Mrs Funnybones: She's Just Like You and a Lot Like Me, in Mumbai.

To rewind a bit, I started reading her columns when she started writing them more than a year ago. Like a typical PR guy, I confidently dismissed it as someone else's work. A Bollywood actress with this kind of wit and flair- seemed highly unlikely!! I even told friends, "wait and watch she will launch a book soon". But strangely she only got better with her columns and yes she launched a book!

Listed No 3 on Amazon India!

After ages, one could see the Indian media praising someone and writing good things (it's a rarity in India now to hear good things)... Her book launch only proved that Bollywood was her wrong calling and she had no qualms accepting it! Her answers in the rapid fire round proved she truly writes her stuff! Her writing represents the new-age Indian woman, who is confused, doesn't hesitate to ask a lot of questions and speaks her mind out even if it targets her mum, mother-in-law, husband or son!

Another NDTV blog that rightly captured her day and moment: Why Twinkle Khanna is just so damn likeable....

.......And yes I am a Twinkle fan-girl too and can't wait to get my hands on this book!!

family bonds...

I am back at my pavilion after what seemed like a long summer break. By my pavilion I mean places that belong to me- my home, my running route, my gym, my daily chores.... We are back after a month of bonding, pure fun, a bit of chaos and a lot of action.

The Residency, Lucknow

The month seemed longer for all. The kids had their 'little' break away from the 'ever nagging' mum and 'usually stressed' out dad. It was three weeks of pure pamper and fun with family in India. We used that time to take a short couple's break where we managed to re-live some of our old habits (drink every night, choose a not very kid- friendly destination, not worry about meal times or follow any routine) and strangely when we were all reunited as a family no one complained!! 

Going home to India has meant different things to me over the years. When I was single a visit home was for home food and to just chill. When we were a couple, it was about taking a break from our routine, some shopping and meeting old friends. When kids happened, it was to create those bonds (like it is for most of us). 

Over the years the bonds have only deepened. The kids can't wait to get there and lucky us, we've been able to do this more than once a year...Both set of grandparents can't wait to have them over. If one indulges in cooking their favorite dishes, the other has all her energy built up to be out and about with them. Of course the time spent with their brother and rest of the family is priceless.

Kabaddi in full swing..

It maybe the sheer joy of playing badminton every evening  on their grandparents house lawn or picking the rules of kabbadi that they so diligently watched and played every night, my elder one being gifted her 1st 'Titan' watch . Of course her cool cousin and his friends told her, "eeeks, you live in Singapore- why would you buy a watch in India!!" But strangely she and the watch have been inseparable. The sheer excitement of living in the midst of chaos for a few weeks. I can surely say that I go back for that chaos and I enjoy every  moment  of that unpredictability... 

Each of these memories makes our come back tougher. The eeeriness of getting back to our routine, of living an almost perfect life, with nothing going wrong in the day takes a while too.

But somewhere in my heart, I also breath a sigh of relief- that I can do this often. I don't need to plan much and can make an impromptu trip. Thinking back on my holiday, I struggle to finish my 1st run after the month- long break!

finding happiness...

As I touch down on home (Singapore for me), all I take back from my week-long holiday in Vietnam are some quiet and touching moments, spent in Hoi An and a few inspirations from people I came across in the last week-living imperfect lives but with no complaints.

Our first leg- Hoi An turned out to be a sheer surprise. A quaint little (mostly cycling and walking) town highly spirited and full of history set the right pace to start this holiday. We spent a whole day walking around the 'Old Town' discovering the alleys and making random pit stops at cafes, stores and historical sites.

During our 2- day stay apart from visiting the usual eateries and bars, our idea was to undertake some activity that would take us a bit into the back and beyond and show us the   'real' Vietnam. One such highly recommended tour (on Tripadvisor) was a cycling tour of the nearby islands/villages. Our internet search led us to a leading bicycle tour company- Heaven and Earth, and we chose a 6-hour (half day) tour.

The morning of our tour we had two smart, petite girls (in their early 20's), who came on their scooty's and picked us from the hotel. On reaching their office, the cycles were tested and we were briefed that it was going to be a hot and long day with different modes of transports- ferry, cycle, walk. Of course with the sole objective of getting us to see the rustic side up and close.

Quick and me!

Our guide for the day- Kute (pronounced cute but nicknamed 'quick'), was this little girl in her early 20's! She was extremely warm and cheerful. If our life intrigued her, her background, her work, her family life intrigued me. She had tonnes of questions along the day on Singapore, India, our kids, Adi (my husband-and his interest for photography).

And I had a lot of questions for her- how did she get to this job? Doesn't she get bored and tired doing this everyday? Her personal life- Her parents (who live in a remote village very far away from her), siblings, boyfriend! She was more than happy to answer every question and had a constant smile on her face through the day! I can surely say, if not for her this trip would not have been half as fun and memorable!

  From one village to another..

Every moment spent on that 6-hour tour was touching. Be it passing through the quaint villages, the vast rice paddy fields, entering locked family Buddhist temples and exploring them, seeing rice wine being made inside a little hut, or watching a 75- year old lady sew cane mats that she still sells for a livelihood. Belonging to India, poverty or villages are not new to me. But there was one stark difference here-  each person we met, looked happy and content...even a stranger or a little kid would smile at us while we cycled through their village and not fail to say 'CAM AN' (thanks in Vietnamese!)

 

Stacey performing 'Gangnam style'

Madam Phuong (or lovingly called 'Stacey')- our 60- year old bamboo boat trainer also needs a special mention. I wonder what excited her more- singing 'Gangnam style' along with us or teaching us how to ride that 'so tough to balance' bamboo boat. And am certain this feeling was not unique to us. She must be doing this with every tourist who lands up at her door step every day for that boat ride!

So what was so special about this holiday? I probably thought I would take back memories of places I visit, bars that I drank at or the awesome food I ate! But alas, it was something totally unexpected - Stacey's zest for life, Quick's attitude of just staying happy and the Vietnamese way of life- content and warmth! Hope I can live my daily life with even half that attitude. And of course, I plan to work on my cycling skills and make sure that I am up there for my next cycling holiday!