the imperfectly perfect situation....

I remember someone once told me, “God does the best quality control job. You will hardly ever find 2 individuals who look and behave alike in the same household.” True and am certain most of us relate to this.

Let me start with my (elder) sister and me. If she is a perfectionist (for everything), am not. If she likes to be punctual, I learnt that very late in life. She is extremely orderly, and my cupboard, handbag and wallet are always a mess. She is an extremely intelligent (I mean academically) person, and I just managed to scraped through. She is perfect with her dressing and etiquettes and it’s a struggle for me if I have to dress up (well).

I see the same with my 2 girls. One is perfect with her work, cupboard, upkeep of her toys, etc and the other can’t care less. One likes to be on time to the bus stop, the other is always asking for more time. One needs to be told that this ‘belongs’ to her and it’s her right, the other ensures that she gets more than what is her ‘right’. There is a constant struggle in the house (as they are growing), with each one fighting for their space and their needs. The elder one has to be often told, that she can impose some conditions and can be a bit pushy. The younger one has to be ‘always’ told, that she has got it way early in life! If one likes bournvita, the other only drinks strawberry milk. Despite these differences, they manage to strike that balance.

 Of course when we had my 12-year old nephew visit us in the summer, the equation was even more intriguing. Here was a boy (almost a teen) amongst these two girls. A boy who I needed to give his space, his freedom but also unknowingly keep an eye, and manage all emotions (from the 3-year old to the 13-year old). The balance the three brought in seemed perfect. Nobody's demands seemed bigger or important. Each one made space for the other- from the TV shows they would watch to weekend outings the family took. He taught me to 'chill' and stay 'calm' (as much as I could).

I wonder if my mother noticed so much difference in her daughters and did she have to make an effort to ensure we both got our due. Or did she let us fight it out? Times have changed so much now. Kids are far more aware, they have more access to information, and they are very vocal about what they ‘need’. So somewhere I feel, our parenting role is a bit more complex in today’s world. Though in no way do I undermine what our parents did for us. I think the challenges were different then. Our parents were only busy ensuring all our ‘wants’ were met. With today’s generation we are forever playing the ‘bad policeman’. They need to be ‘watched’ and ‘told’ always.

Tuesday: I went on this day-long field trip with my elder one’s class. I was warned that it was going to be ‘hot and long’ day. For me it felt like I was heading for a 10km run. And indeed it was. With 20 ‘active’ kids around, getting them to do any task in an orderly fashion was the challenge. I could see a huge difference in the way even their teachers handle them these days. They talk to each other like adults. That’s probably the biggest difference in our upbringing and theirs. They are questioned about every act of theirs and are asked to think. We were only ‘told’ on what is right and wrong. From my kids I have learnt, there is no ‘one’ right way or wrong way. I think that’s a big learning. It’s made me more acceptable, more broad-minded in my thinking. 

And on that note the (‘hopelessly) trying hard to be perfect mother hopes my mother’s way and my way ultimately cross paths somewhere and lead to the same destination.

away from the norm....

These days I am living a bit of a Non-Singapore lifestyle...you probably wonder what does that mean (atleast for the followers who don't live in Singapore!)..well we are a bit (really a bit??) spoilt here. This country gives you the best blend between the East and the West. Maybe Dubai comes a closest second. The lifestyle, work ethics of the West and the convenience of the East. So we are all pampered with house-help around because of which a lot of things are taken for granted (from the adults to the kids).

So these days our so-called house-help is away visiting her home in the Philippines. As a generous employer we decided to give her a month-off (away from the norm of 2-weeks). So what has that done to us? Well good and bad! Bad because I am pretty much home-bound (with my 2-year old). Struggled and juggled with my gym and run routine for a week and then gave up and consoled myself that even I am on a month's break from my routine! Poor kids have to eat food cooked by me (am not the 'greatest' cook and not one of those food indulging mums).. But I see a big 'good' in that.

Of course I often think of how my mum managed me and my sis (with almost no help) all her life, of my many friends who live in the west and live this life everyday. But let me admit (in full honesty), mine being for just a month was a bit relieving!

And now the goods- maybe this has opened up a new thinking (unconsciously) in our home. The kids have started reacting more responsibly and sensitively. Atleast for a month, they may live the life I lived all my life- lay the tables, keep out their uniforms, make their beds. Things that we did all through our childhood, but is a rare with kids these days.

The family is spending more time doing household chores together and probably bonding more because of that. We have started doing things for each other- if ones needs water or the other needs a towel, they actually move their butt and do it for each other now! Even the 2-year old wants to be involved. She has taken upon herself the task to keep the uniforms out every night! And of course, they are getting used to the 'averagely' cooked food as well! Keep telling my 7-year old, am training her for that 'first' overnight camp she will go to soon! And you surely can't ignore the support of friends who ensure that you have a constant supply of food or land up doing your grocery shopping- I am not sure if this is a norm in the west! I think this is a typical 'east' trait..even my temp help was shocked to see the inflow of food and friends who keep landing up to help or check on me!!

I know this going to be short-lived and soon we will be back to our routine and old lifestyle. But am happy to see that even if it's for a month, the whole family has re-aligned itself and moved away from the norm. Somewhere such moments ground us and the kids begin to value each member's role in the house!

making friends down the way....

While doing my gym work-out with my trainer (less)-cum- friend (more), we chanced upon an interesting topic. Yes we talk a lot while working out. She has to always remind me to save my breath for my exercises. And I look at it as a perfect one-hour to catch up with her! Anyway to get back to what we talked about..

Making friends is always one of the biggest challenges after a certain stage in life. Especially if you have made a move into a new city, new condo making that fresh start is always tough. Of course if you have kids, that's the easiest route. Their bus stop, their playground gets the ball rolling.

When I moved to Singapore 6 years ago, I knew very few people. Though am not a social butterfly, I do treasure my close 3-4 friends who I always hope to find and keep for life! As expected, the bus stop and playgrounds were my starting points. Having come from Dubai (where life is pretty similar to Singapore), I was kind of used to people being busy and  meeting only when 'fixed'.

And then my routine to the gym started almost two years ago. That was one place I met people from different backgrounds (mothers with elder kids, single mothers, young mothers, women with no kids, working mum's). Though we all come in with a common agenda to work-out, everyone's life once outside that gym was way different.

At one end if I am worried about juggling my day so that I am back in time before my younger one gets home, someone else is worried about what she would be wearing to a lunch she had later in the day, another is worried on how to entertain her visiting in-laws, someone is busy sorting out her son's future and attending several counseling sessions (with his university coming up soon). While chatting with them, I often wished I could swap some of my 'to do lists' with theirs- atleast for day!!

This was a perfect meeting ground for all of us to actually 'forget' our worries for that one hour and chat about anything random! Over time, I have started to treasure and enjoy that one hour I spend in the gym. Most of these friends are not really my 'best' pals, yet I look forward to meeting them.

Same is the case for my running club friends and my yoga gang (though I meet them a bit lesser)! Through the running club, I have seen some very 'inspirational' running journeys of friends which has in turn motivated me to get better. Whether its a fellow runner running her 1st 2km or someone who has just finished her first half-marathon, each one has a story!

We try and run in a group, so we can while chatting get to a better pace! And it has worked wonders for some of us. We have been able to escalate to longer distances and better pace!! Of course  what we chat on a weekend morning at 6:30am, you may not want to know. Most of us get there after a late night the previous night (family and kids cannot be ignored just because you have a 'running club' run the next morning!!!) , and in our half groggy state actually land up (sometimes) running our best!

All these melting points initially started off as fitness points for me but today is an integral part of my life. Making friends there made my fitness and weight loss journey far more enjoyable and less stressful! I feel for stay-at-home mum's such groups are critical to make sure we talk and think a bit beyond our home and kids! Am sure we can take that hour's break everyday!!!