Tuesday, 23 June 2015

an ode to worry.....

Just as I returned from my morning run and was unwinding in my balcony, the husband walked upto me and showed me the below article.. his words "read it anu! this is so U!".... and as I read it I could see myself in the writer's place.... friends who never knew me in my 20's, don't think can imagine that I was an anti-dote of what I am now!And most of my friends who knew me in my 20's are not part of my day-to-day life now...
My Paper 22/6/15

I hated following a routine (in my childhood), in my single life (almost 8 years) everyday I had a story to tell- maybe walk out of the apartment without the keys, land up at the airport with the wrong tickets, fracture my leg at an event, take off on bizarre trips like rafting, hiking (sometimes even alone) and always unplanned....

And today, I feel that I worry with every breathe- worry about (inconsequential) things in my home, worry about the kids, worry about the meals for the day, worry for my family back home, worry even while I have to go out for dinner with my husband (will I be back in time, am I doing the right thing leaving the kids home). I worry when the kids are away in India spending time with their grand parents, I worry when I am on holiday with my husband.

About to hit 40 soon, I wonder where this is going to take me. I wonder why I worry? Is it for what I have or for the fear of losing it? Or maybe unwanted work I poke my head into and tire myself out with. Or the mundane job lists I have created for myself and I believe I don't have a way out to not do it...but one thing is clear- this 'worry' is self-created.

Do we all change like this? Or is it just me? Today with the kids a bit grown up, I try (yes try) to chill a bit. I try to let go. But it's not easy. I forever wonder how tough it must have been for my mother to have a kid like me and more importantly not to try and change that side of me...I see a lot of myself in my younger girl- very impromptu, very casual, always happy. And I try hard to just let her be!

Of course two things have calmed me lately- my running and my writing. Both have taught me that its fine to keep that phone on silent (or not carry it when u run) and it's fine to shut your mind away from everything while writing an article. 

Would I ever find the 'old' me again? Can I spend a day not looking at my watch and my lists? Maybe that's a start I can make for myself. And not worry about the next meal and think about who would 'like' to eat what and then worry about getting it made!

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